Sometimes I get tired of recommending my own book over and over. I get sick of monitoring trends and trying to figure out what to post on TikTok and how to approach the sequel. Should I start a newsletter? A giveaway? Should I pay someone to do the marketing instead? And why should I do that if only a handful of people will actually read my book to begin with?
The exhaustion no one talks about
As a self-published author, these are the things I’ve had to accept, and the constant loop of doubt, confidence, and plain, simple exhaustion is prevalent in my mind. Sometimes it discourages me from writing. Why should I put in so much effort when I’m just wasting time and money?
Self-publishing
With these feelings, jealousy creeps in. I’ve felt that jealousy before, whenever I read a book I find horribly written. Like many others, I’ve put traditionally published authors on a higher pedestal than self-published ones. Books published by a big publisher are simply better, or so I used to think.
So it felt like failure when I decided to self-publish. I wanted more control over my book and the whole process, and I naively thought it couldn’t be that hard. Sure, the steps leading up to it would be a lot of work, but after that, people would read my book and I’d eventually make a lot of money.
The validation spiral
When I held my first printed copy, I expected to feel elated or relieved, or at least excited. But instead, it just felt like another task I had crossed off. I had the printed version and now I had to move on to the next task. When anyone praised me for it, I’d start talking over them to remind them how hard it had been and how many things I still had to do before I could actually celebrate it. I never did.
And because I never celebrated my own achievement of writing and publishing a book, I started looking for external validation. Other people had to read it, like it, praise it, buy it. If they didn’t, I failed. At the same time, it felt like confirmation that it wasn’t worth celebrating yet, because nobody else did.
No one owes you their attention
Then the jealousy returned; toward the people who published a book and for whom everything just seemed to work out. Why are some authors selling out books that I personally think are below par? Why is no one buying mine?
To pull myself out of this self-pity spiral, I realized one thing:
No one owes you their attention. No one owes me a purchase or a read. No one owes small creators their support, because it’s not meant to be an exchange. And because of that, I shouldn’t blame anyone or hold a grudge when they don’t read, or don’t want to read it.
Get your feelings hurt
Will it hurt my feelings? Maybe. Will it kill me? No. Does it mean I’m a horrible person who should just stop writing altogether? Bestie, don’t be so dramatic.
If you keep placing all your self-worth and validation onto other people, strangers, nonetheless, you will be disappointed. You’ll never be satisfied with yourself because it will never be enough to soothe that insecurity.
So why do it?
So why should I put in all this effort if only a handful of people will read it?
Because my book deserves it. And I deserve to create something I’ve put so much effort into. I deserve to fully commit, to try as hard as I can. It’s a vulnerable place to be in, but I owe that to myself.
And so do you.
And that is worth celebrating.
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